Year 45 Looks Like This
I turned 45 one month ago. When I look in the mirror at 45, I see a breast cancer survivor. I see my body that has changed, scarred, but healed. I see the breast I got to keep, after being diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer-Metaplastic. And I see the weight of what I’ve carried to still be here.
Let’s Be Clear—It Was Damn Hard
Because let me be clear: my journey was DAMN HARD.
Keeping my breast didn’t mean I was spared. It didn’t protect me from the soul-deep fatigue, the emotional unraveling, the fear that clung to my chest like a second skin. It didn’t soften the blow of hearing the words “you have cancer.” It didn’t shield me from the sleepless nights, the waiting, the wondering. The trauma is real and it lives in my bones.
And still, I KNOW I’m one of the ones who was graced to be here.
A Moment That Shifted Something in Me
One day, I was talking with another survivor in the credit union. I had told her I had also been through breast cancer. So, we were sharing pieces of our journeys. When I initially shared, she looked at me, then her eyes dropped briefly to my chest. I still had both of my breasts, and she didn’t.
It was just a moment. But it echoed.
That look wasn’t judgment. It wasn’t bitterness. But it held a silent, heavy knowing. It was grief. A moment of recognition. And in that second, I felt something deep in my spirit crack open, not with guilt, but with compassion for her.
I Don’t Carry Guilt—But I Do Carry Compassion
It hurt to see her pain, even if it wasn’t spoken aloud. It hurt to know that she, too, had fought for her life, and paid for it in a way that I didn’t have to.
But I didn’t feel guilty.
Because I know I deserved my healing. I know I fought for it. I know I earned every piece of this breath, this birthday.
What I felt was something different:
Grief for what she lost.
Grief for what so many women lose.
A wish that we could all come through this with less taken from us.
There’s No Hierarchy in Healing
That’s what I carry as I turn 45.
Not survivor’s guilt, because I’m not ashamed of surviving.
But a survivor’s compassion.
A knowing that while I still have both of my breasts, that doesn’t make my survival softer or hers any less strong.
There is no hierarchy in healing.
No one gets to measure our pain, our losses, or our courage.
We all walked through the fire.
The Now: 10 Months Out
Health-wise, I’m now 10 months out from active chemo.
I’m still in the phase of follow-up appointments every three months, and I take each one seriously, because peace of mind doesn’t come easy after cancer.
Physically, I’m still rebuilding. Regaining strength. Finding mobility. Learning this new version of my body and honoring her limits and her resilience.
It’s a slow climb, slower than I would have ever imagined, but every step forward is still a victory.
To Those Still in the Fight
To every woman who is still in the thick of it. Whether you were just diagnosed, you’re navigating treatment, or you’re facing each day in uncertainty, know that you are not alone. Your courage, even in the quiet moments even when you don’t feel strong. I know the fear, the exhaustion, the waiting, the wondering. And I want you to know that your fight matters. You are in the fire, doing the hardest thing of all, showing up for your life every single day. Keep going! Space is being held for your healing. Rooting for your breakthrough. You are part of this sisterhood we did not choose, but we are with you.
To My Fellow Survivors: I See You
To every woman who made it through breast cancer, whether you kept your breast(s), lost, rebuilt, or chose not to, I see you. I feel the strength that radiates from your soul.
You are not defined by what was taken.
You are glorious in what you reclaimed. YOUR LIFE.
Year 45, Braids, and Deep Gratitude
At 45, I celebrate life, not just mine, but the lives of every woman who’s still here, still healing, still figuring out who she is now.
AND my hair has grown back long enough to finally get braids again. Yes, I went with the MOST, waist length, because I can.
I feel deep gratitude to be able to say, I am WELL.
With love,
Sharonda
P.S. The Birthday Celebration Blog
Sign up for email notifications so you never miss a post, and stay tuned for the full recap of my week-long birthday trip to one of my favorite places, Mexico!
Sharonda Shariee 